Going Solo

If you asked me ten years ago where I would be in my social work career in my mid-thirties, it definitely would not have included running my own therapy practice. I was just finishing my Master's in Social Work Degree at Dalhousie University. I was moving in with my then boyfriend, exploring work in case management, working multiple jobs at that time, including serving in restaurants. This position was in the GTA and Northern Ontario, a lot of travelling and a lot of late nights. I enjoyed it but I knew it wasn't where I was going to be long term. From there I moved back home to Niagara and continued to serve and work a couple contract positions in hospital and community health agencies. With this experience, I was able apply for a position at hospital in the Hamilton area working in adult medicine. I thought at the time, that this was it. I had job security, union backing, a pension, great salary and endless learning opportunities in healthcare which was very interesting to me at the time, (let's blame Grey's Anatomy). This job allowed me to meet new people everyday, support them mentally and emotionally as they navigated through the healthcare system. I collaborated with hospital resources and community agencies in order to ensure individuals were receiving the support they needed upon discharge. Slowly and surely, the pressures of working in healthcare caught up to me.

In 2019, I had my first panic attack. It was alarming, it was unexpected and it was something I thought I would have recognized given I worked in mental health. I was so shaken by this experience, I took a stress leave from the hospital. I had to admit I wasn't well enough to work. Someone who has worked since she was 14 years old, and grew up in an immigrant family where school and work were highly important. I started therapy, started medication and worked hard on self-care. Eventually I was able to return to work at the hospital. I stayed for a few months and then the panic attacks started again. I took a second leave. I decided to apply for an transfer to another unit, surgical oncology, where I could work part-time. I spent almost a year there during the pandemic and felt fine, back to normal even. Then the panic attacks returned. During this leave I explored what my therapist had suggested, I was burntout. I thought this only happened to people later in their careers, not those like me who are in their first 5 years. I then learned about "moral injury", where an individual's values and morals are challenged by obligations of their workplace. I didn't know this was happening to me until I looked into this further. I realized that I had limitations on how and when I could help patients leaving the hospital, because the pressures of our healthcare system. Knowing some people were being discharged to just return to the hospital in a few days because of social issues was taking a toll on my mental well-being day by day. 

I quit shortly after coming to terms that there was no unit in the hospital that would allow me to social work the way I had imagined I always would. I moved to community health care as a counsellor. I loved this work. It was one on one with people, and collaborating with an interdisciplinary team to provide mental health support that was tailored to the individual. I thought this would be a long term position as well. I continued to have job security and a pension. I was growing my family at the time and my husband and I had our son. Towards the end of my maternity leave we still didn't have daycare and finances were running low. I applied for an independent contractor position at a private practice group. I was working 5-10 ours a week. I decided to keep both jobs when my maternity leave ended. However, the demands of motherhood, the demands of both these positions and my own expectations of my work/life balance were catching up to me. I didn't have flexibility or the autonomy that I was craving. I decided to focus on the independent contractor position as it allowed me to have a flexible schedule and a more work/life balance. It was a pay cut and less job security but it had felt right. 

Fast forward two years later and I've opened my solo private practice. With the support of friends and family and professional mentors, I have a space of my own. It was never something I imagined, but I'm so glad it has worked out this way. When I look back at my own mental well-being, I could easily feel ashamed for the panic attacks and the stress leaves and the multiple career changes. However, I look at those panic attacks as data, as signs that things in my life needed to change. How I was living, how I was showing up at work, how work was effecting me was not sustainable. What I'm venturing into now feels natural and significant, something I haven't experienced yet. 

Thank you for indulging in my story with me. If you feel this experience of career burnout resonates with you and you'd like to explore further, please connect. It's not too late to learn how to use your body's responses as data to create hopeful and lasting change. 

- Tahera