It's been a month since my last blog post. It wasn't my intention. I was hoping to write a blog post weekly or at least bi-weekly. But that's life sometimes. We plan, then things happen that get in the way of those plans. This is a story of life "lifeing" and making time for yourself.
My mom has cancer, terminal cancer. She will likely not live for much longer, at least this is what we were told a month ago. She's still hanging in there, enjoying the time she has left. She still has some energy, some life in her. We are continuously surrounding her with our presence and love whenever we can. The grandkids visit daily or weekly, family and friends visiting when they can. It's been bittersweet to watch. Knowing there is limited time has been a benefit and a curse in a lot of ways. Not knowing when the cancer will cause extreme pain, organ failure, or her brain to swell more, etc. and not knowing which visit will be our last. It's hard.
What is even harder these days is being a parent while grieving the very real loss of my mom. Watching my sisters parent and not stop their lives while they too are grieving. It's a wild ride. We still do the daycare/school drop offs, make the meals, the laundry, the birthday parties, the extra curricular activities, all while there is a part of us feeling lost, empty, missing. Having long talks after bedtime about next steps in mom's care and well-being even though we are exhausted. Also, we haven't really taken that much time off of work.
Another realization is viewing the inevitable loss of my mom through my son and his cousins' eyes. The grandkids vary in ages from 2-19 years. All very close in a lot of ways to my mom. Imagining their grief and perspective of this journey is overwhelming at times. The anticipation of potentially managing their grief and emotions, has me hyperaware at times. Waiting for the grief to hit them and supporting them while also trying to manage our own grief.
This had me thinking. How do parents of young kids grieve while parenting and support their grieving kids at the same time? They often just do it. Maybe not always well but it just happens. This amazes me as a parent. How we often just continue life and do the things that keep the family moving even though there is great emotional pain in us. This thinking has encouraged me to pause at times, make time and create a space where I can let the feelings flow. Sometimes, it's letting my partner know that I need extra time away from the home or the family. Sometimes it looks like pulling over and crying in the car and sometimes it looks like writing a blog post about it.
What I've learned as a social worker, therapist and human is that if we don't create time to allow feelings to flow then the feelings build and build then eventually come out in a meltdown at unfortnate times. Often at times where we feel out of control and this exacerbates this experience. So create moments, even small ones to help eleviate the build up.
Thank you supporters and readers for diving into this story with me. I hope this is helpful for those also navigating losses and grief while in the thick of parenting. If this is something that resonates with you, please don't hesitate to reach out!
- Tahera
Tahera Vawda
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